Sophomore Year

I have officially completed my sophomore year of college. This means that I've reached the halfway point of my undergraduate career! 

It's become somewhat of a tradition for me to take a panoramic photo of my dorm room at the end of the year, stripped of everything that once personalized it and made it my own. It amazes me — the sum of all the small things that can make a new place feel like home for a season. 

If you told me as a high school senior that I would be pursuing a B.A. in Sociology, you'd get a blank stare and a lot of questions. Two years ago, I had no clue what Sociology was or that I even had the option of majoring in it. Today, I am thankful for how this field of study has taught me how to love God and love people more fully. 

I am so glad that God didn't give me what I initially wanted — a beachside undergrad experience at a small liberal arts college atop a hill in California. He gave me something different, something that I completely resisted to at first but slowly began to accept with open hands. I'm not studying out-of-state thousands of miles away from home. Nor am I at that gorgeous Christian college by the beach that seemed like the perfect fit for so long. I'm learning to follow where He leads, despite the uncertainty that comes with leaps of faith like these.

Grace abounds in the spaces where my mind cannot logically wrap itself around where my LORD is leading me. For that, I am thankful. 

Here are a few special people and memories from this semester: 

Working in the Office of University Planning with two great bosses

Floor photoshoot with the sweet ladies of Jubilee

Trip to Yosemite with friends over winter break

Performing at my school's poetry lounge

SCORR Conference

The formation of this sisterhood #Janomica

Multi-Ethnic Outreach Event

Multilingual Verse Reading at Missions Conference

Celebrating this dear friend (Asnat's) birthday!

My big sister, Veronica, graduating

Gaining this lovely lady as a little sister, future roommate, and forever friend

I am in awe of God's grace and provision that has sustained me through another semester of college! I'm looking forward to these final two years with eager expectation. I may not know what my future holds, but I know exactly Who holds it. 

Jesus Loves Me (And Other Things I Know Because the Bible Tells Me So)

This has been my phone's wallpaper for a couple months now. There's something about being reminded that the Lord cares for the seemingly insignificant details of my life that brings deep comfort to this weary soul of mine. I've been noticing the birds lately. There are a ton of them at my school, hummingbirds mostly, brushing past me in my ten minute sprints from one place to the next. They impact my prayers, transforming my automatic "God, help to get through this day" to a more intentional request - "Father, help me to thrive."

On Tuesday morning, I met with my spiritual director. She's like another set of eyes, helping me to see God's hand in my life where I might not always be able to. We talked about God's love. Of course I know He loves me. I hear it all the time. God is love. We love because He first loved us. Yadda, yadda, yadda. 

She asked me a question: "When do you feel loved by God?" 

I felt my face scrunch up a bit. I could give a thoughtless answer, "All the time!" Or I could be completely honest. I broke the silence and said, "On my good days. It's a lot easier for me to feel loved by Him on my good days than the bad ones." 

I hung my head, ashamed that I had just admitted this. But I also felt free, the kind of relief you get when you take a gulp of fresh air after holding your breath underwater for longer than you should.

Avoiding eye contact, I waited for her to say something. "I just really feel like God wants to remind you today that you are loved." 

That stuck with me the rest of the day. It's one of those things that I have to tell myself over and over until I finally believe it, like reminding myself that He is good. I don't always feel like it, but I know in the deepest recesses of my soul that it is true.

So, whatever state you find yourself in today, I invite you to take this truth with you. What does this mean to you - that at at your best behavior and in your moments of deepest shame that you are loved just the same?

I pray that this paradox bothers you a little, and that it leaves you in awe of a holy AND loving God. 

Don’t Tell Her She Is Beautiful || Spoken Word

One of the things at the top of my 2014 bucket list was to perform a spoken word poem in front of an audience. Last month, I got the opportunity to do just that at my University's poetry lounge! Here's a recording of my performance.

Dear 19-Year-Old Me,

Way to go. You learned a lot this time around. 

This was the year you first experienced the death of someone close to you. It hurt, a lot. It still does. You weren’t sure how to act, how to feel. But somehow, in the midst of the pain and confusion, you learned to cling to God more closely. Most of the time, He was the one pulling you closer to Himself.

You recognized the value of true friendship. You’ve been praying for years for friendships that are rooted in Christ. Those prayers have been answered. They are still being answered. God is continually bringing people into your life to impact you in profound ways. Love these people. Walk with them through their painful seasons and the joyful ones. Allow them to do the same for you. Ask God to use you as a vessel to pour out His love to those around you.

You learned to love yourself more fully. You are a daughter of God. You are aware of where you fall short but have been made even more aware of God’s deep and unchanging love for you despite your shortcomings. Each day, you remind yourself that your identity is rooted in Christ, and apart from Him, you are nothing. Keep reminding yourself. You are slowly learning to love your quirks, your tendency to be (just the right amount of) awkward, and are beginning to discover the gifts that you have been given.

You saw God open doors, after closing quite a few first. It was difficult, without a doubt. But in doing so, He taught you the importance of trusting Him wholeheartedly and without reservation in every area of your life. 

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. It is possible to be content with aloneness. In fact, being alone sometimes is necessary. But there is a difference between spending some time alone and completely isolating yourself. You need consistent community and fellowship.

It’s okay not to have your whole life figured out just yet. Don’t worry about it too much. Focus on loving God and loving others, and seek to glorify Him in your decision making. Use wisdom and discernment, and see where He leads you. Don’t let yourself be so consumed with thoughts of the future that you miss out on what’s right in front of you now. 

Now, you’re twenty. Do you realize that doesn’t have “-teen” at the end of it anymore? If you’re being honest, that scares you a little. How does it feel being halfway to 40? I'm kidding… you’re not that old, okay? Relax. :)

Live this next year with joy, purpose, and for the glory of your Maker. Go get ‘em, girl.

A Lesson In Grace

Sometimes, God gives me a glimpse of His grace in unsuspecting ways. This is the story of how He took my irresponsibility and used it to teach my heart that is so prone to worry a little lesson in trusting Him. 

One of my professors does portfolio checks twice unannounced in the semester. Last Thursday, I had a feeling that she would check them but immediately dismissed the thought. I walked into class that night, and the first thing we were asked to do was to hand in our portfolios. I froze. This is unlike me, but I hadn't updated my portfolio since the first time it was checked, so I was behind on nearly a month and a half's worth of work. I don't recall ever intentionally turning anything in that was done halfheartedly (or even worse, not done at all) so I was almost too embarrassed to hand it in but ended up doing so anyway. We were asked to return in an hour to get them back graded. 

That was the longest hour of my life. I ran to the library and frantically typed up as many notes as I could, all the while rehearsing possible explanations in my head. I spent the last ten minutes in my school's prayer chapel praying for grace, a second chance, for God to soften my professor's heart, anything! (I don't care if that makes me sound like a total dork.) 

I walked into my professor's office nervously and was prepared to be lectured about how I should be more responsible next time, ready to accept a zero for this assignment and take ownership for the consequences of my procrastination. I went in, picked up my portfolio, and silently walked out.

As I stepped outside, I looked at my grade and saw that she had still given me a B+. I remember saying “WHAT?!” out loud in utter disbelief. I'm not much of a crier, but tears began streaming down my face at this point. I felt a mixture of joy, confusion, and relief. I couldn't help but get down on my knees and thank God a million times over. 

I didn't write this post to encourage procrastination or laziness. I know that as a college student, I am called to do all things that God has entrusted me with in this season well. But if the only reason that this happened was so God could somehow reveal His grace to me more tangibly, then I'm okay with that. In the moment, I hated it, and I got a headache afterward because of the rollercoaster of emotions that came as a result, but I can say that I experienced God's grace in the process. 

I can't help but think of this verse in Psalms: “He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him” (Psalm 103:10-11). Now that's grace! An unfathomable, undeserved, precious gift.

"Finding Beauty in Every Season" (The Story Behind my Current Blog Title)

This summer, God has reignited within me a passion for worshiping Him.

In June, I went on a whim and ordered a set of guitar strings on Amazon.  A couple years ago, my dad brought home an acoustic guitar that he picked up at a garage sale, but since I had been away for college, it had just been sitting in my room collecting dust. I had always wanted to learn how to play guitar, so why not, I thought. When I tried to replace the strings on my guitar for the first time, I ended up winding the very first string too tightly, and it snapped on me. Talk about discouraging! How was I supposed to learn how to play when I couldn't even get the strings on correctly?! That night, I set the guitar back down on the wall it had been resting on and walked away. 

The thought of learning how to play guitar never escaped me though, so I picked it up a couple days after and was determined to figure out how to string it and learn a few chords. Fast forward, I got all the strings on correctly (thanks to YouTube!) and needless to say, it has been a great joy learning how to play. I almost forgot how much I truly enjoy singing praises to Him, all the while reminding my own soul of His unwavering faithfulness. I’ve realized how much I have missed Him. I am learning how to make worship my first response to both hardships and blessings. God is teaching me that He is worthy of my affection even when my feelings try to convince me otherwise.

During my sophomore year of high school, a pastor came to speak at our Christian Club and gave a word to whomever he felt the Lord was leading him to do so. I remember him pointing to me and saying, “You. You cry sometimes during worship, don’t you?” Baffled, brace-faced, 15-year-old-me slowly nodded then looked down. “Never stop worshiping. God wants you to know that He hears you and loves it when you worship Him. Never stop.” I had no words. Back then, I would worship in my closet and pray for my family’s salvation. Sometimes I would cry in the overwhelming presence of God. And God used that man to encourage little adolescent me that day. As I’m learning to press in all over again, I often think of that encounter. To think that the God of the Universe delights in the praises of His people is beyond me.

For the past two and a half years, I have felt “spiritually dry” in my walk with God. And to be very honest, I’ve absolutely hated it. I hated that my relationship with God did not immediately skyrocket after deciding to attend a Christian university. (Because that’s what’s supposed to happen, right?) I hated that there were times that I felt more distant from God than ever. I hated not feeling His presence like I used to. I hated that I still struggled with sin. I kept telling myself and telling God that I was content with the season He had placed me in, but I was lying, both to myself and to the God who already knew the deepest facets of my being.

Contentment has been a huge thing for me. I’m trying to figure out how to be okay with the spiritual dryness, to find beauty in the midst of it. I’m learning to be kinder to myself, and I’m allowing myself room for mistakes. I’m coming to terms with the reality that it’s fine to not have my entire life mapped out. And perhaps, most importantly, I’m learning to love God more fully in the process. 

Blog Update

Wow, have I been behind on keeping up with this blog! My last post was from the beginning of my freshman year of college, and that just ended about a week and a half ago. Hooray for summer though, because that means (hopefully) more consistent blogging. Thanks to all of you who have actually checked in on my blog while I was on my hiatus. Be expecting more posts soon!