Monday, July 14, 2014

Finding God On My Bad Days

I've been staring at this blank word document for the past hour now, because between you and me, I’m not particularly excited about writing this post.

Confession: it’s been a really difficult past couple of weeks for me. This last week, I literally felt like I got some form of bad news every single day of the week. I can laugh about it now, but in the moment I was confused, frustrated, and starting to get bitter at God. It was one of those weeks that felt like I was ruining everything that I touched. We've all had them, and it’s never fun for anybody.

On Thursday morning, I woke up to the first rejection email of my barely budding writing career. Thankfully, it wasn't a very harsh email at all. But nonetheless, it’s hard to accept rejection gracefully. Was I upset? You bet. And if I’m being completely honest, there’s still a part of me that feels shortchanged by God. I don’t know why He put it so heavily upon my heart to write about this specific topic, just to have it rejected. But I’m learning to be okay with that. I’m learning to be okay with “I don’t know” for an answer.

When I first got an article published earlier this summer, I quickly learned that one of the pitfalls of a ministry as public as writing is the tendency to become prideful. If not put in their proper places, the number of likes and comments that an article receives can become an idol really quickly. I had to take a step back from the positive affirmation that I was getting from family, friends, and readers, because even something as good as that can lead to a lofty mindset if that’s all I base my identity upon.

God doesn't love me because of the ways that my writing is ministering to people. I'm not a better Christian than anybody else. In fact, often times He loves His people enough to use me even in spite of myself. I’m not on a point system, nor is God keeping count of how many articles or books I get published in this lifetime to determine His love for me.  100 publications or none at all, He loves me just the same. It's not — and never will be — about me. 

One of the ways in which He’s reminding me of His love is through other people. In the past two weeks alone, I've had five different people sit down with me just to hear how I’m doing. I've been given the freedom to be completely honest about where I’m at in this season of my life. These sacred moments have meant the world to me, and each individual that took the time to listen didn't even know it at the time.

So, that’s where I’m at. I’m in awe of the ways in which God is allowing me to participate in building His Kingdom here on earth. I’m trying to find beauty in my brokenness and can’t help but think of when His body was broken, beaten, and poured out for all of humanity. I’m reminded that there was beauty in that, because it meant redemption was coming.

Redemption is here and now. It might not always feel like it, but I choose to live in light of this truth regardless. My identity is rooted in Christ, and even the worst of days won’t change that.

Oh, and I want to write a book… but more on that another time. ;)

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